Saturday, 25 August 2012

10 Weeks, 3 Days - the Hematoma is Shrinking

I had another follow-up ultrasound yesterday at 10 weeks, 2 days.  The hematoma has gotten much smaller! It went from 3.6 x 1.4 x 4.0 cm on August 13, to 1.6 x 1.6 x 0.6 cm yesterday!  That is great progress, and a really good sign.  The doctor that I saw yesterday (my RE was out of town) said that it is consistent with the SCH being reabsorbed and hopefully, going away. 
I guess it's also consistent with my symptoms lately...the spotting has really let up.  In fact, I didn't spot at all for 6 days last week!  It came back a bit yesterday, but barely.  I could only see it on the prometrium applicator, if I looked very closely.  The cramps have also let up.  They seem to be milder, and less frequent.
As for Bug, he is doing famously.  His heart rate was perfect at 182.  We saw him dancing on the ultrasound!  He was kicking his little legs, and flailing his arms - it was the most prescious thing I have ever seen in my entire life.  :)  He is still measuring one day ahead.  Here he is:

I was discharged from my fertility clinic today.  I will continue to see my RE though, as she has a dual practice as an OB.  I like her, and I like the idea of staying with someone who knows our history, and who is familiar with the fertility issues as well.  So, I have another ultrasound and follow-up appointment with her next week. 
I am starting to let myself hope, which to be honest, scares the sh!t out of me.  I mean, I have always hoped - it is what has gotten me this far.  I have hoped that the hematoma would get smaller; and hoped that Bug would still be there, healthy and strong, at my next appointment.  I have hoped and prayed that I will not miscarry.  I have not, however, let myself actually believe that everything might be okay - that I might hold Bug someday, and see him/her smile.  I have not allowed myself to picture that happy ending.  And well, I am starting to now. 
Don't get me wrong, I am still terrified.  I will probably continue to live with that fear at least until the hematoma is gone, and until I make it to 2nd tri unscathed (1 1/2 weeks!).  But now, I can see that maybe, just maybe, everything will be okay.  Maybe. 
Bug and I might just make it through this, together.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

I Heard Bug! :)

I just found and heard Bug's heartbeat with a fetal doppler!  :)  It was amazing!  I couldn't hold it for very long, maybe 30 seconds - but there is absolutely no doubt that it was my Bug.  :)  It took forever to find!  It was obviously very worth it though - hearing that little heart beating was so reassuring!  I know that it says nothing about how the SCH is progressing, but it does mean that my Bug is still with me, and that is everything to me right now.  I cried of course - and my eyes still tear up when I think about it.  So amazing!

Monday, 13 August 2012

So...It's Huge

I had another ultrasound today, to check on the status of the subchorionic hemorrhage/hematoma (SCH).  The good news, again, is that Bug is doing well.  He has a very strong heart beat, and is now measuing two days ahead! 

Unfortunately, the SCH is also growing.  :(  It is about 4 cm now, and it is bigger than the gestational sac.  That is not good. 

We still do not have the most important piece of information - ie. where it is relative to where the placenta is developping.  The placenta is not visible yet and therefore, my RE says that she cannot be certain where the bleed is relative to it.  She also can't tell whether the sac is at all detached or detaching from the uterine wall.  In addition, because the first ultrasound tech didn't note where the "vanishing" twin's sac was located, we also cannot tell where the SCH is relative to where s/he was.

So, I'm essentially just left with the knowledge that while I have a healthy baby in there, I also have a ginormous blood clot, right beside it. 

I don't go back for another ultrasound until August 24.  Until then, all I can do is wait, and pray.  Pray that the bleed is reabsorbed or at least gets smaller; and above all else, pray that Bug stays strong and healthy, and that the SCH doesn't affect him.

I just want my Bug to be okay.  I don't know what I'll do if I lose him too.

Thursday, 9 August 2012

Subchorionic Hemorrhage

I had my follow up ultrasound today, at 8 weeks.  The good news is, Bug is still here.  He has grown by exactly one week, in one week. :)  His heartrate is high at 186 - my RE said that she is not particularly concerned.  He is otherwise perfect.  Here he is:

Now for the not-so-great news.  I apparently have a subchorionic hemorrhage.  The doctor was working off of draft ultrasound report, and couldn't tell me how big it is, or exactly where it is.  She tried to call the ultrasound tech to get that information while we waited, but she couldn't reach her.  This information is pretty critical in terms of the prognosis.

Based on the information that she did have, she said that things could go either way at this point.  It could be related to the lost twin (who is no longer visible on the ultrasound (?)), or it could be related to the otherwise healthy pregnancy.  If the latter, it increases my chances of miscarriage.  As I understand it, the risk is that the hemorrhage could grow and essentially cause the embryo to become dislodged from the uterine wall. 

I am scheduled for yet another ultrasound on Monday.

Meanwhile, the spotting and cramping continues. 

And I am still praying for my Bug. 

Saturday, 4 August 2012

7 Weeks, 2 Days - More Spotting

I woke up to more spotting today. 

It is the first time that I have had any signficant spotting in almost two weeks. 

At first I totally freaked out, of course....but then I realized, this doesn't really change anything.  The possible explanations that my doctor provided for the spotting are still applicable.  In fact, I did have another internal ultrasound two days ago, and the spotting was brown.  This is exactly like the last instance of spotting, which also followed an internal.  I also have the vanishing twin issue, and super cystic ovaries. 

Speaking of ovaries, my right ovary was extremely painful last night actually.  It didn't freak me out, because I knew what it was....but now I am thinking, maybe one of those cysts actually ruptured? 

Anyway, I am not freaking out.  I am NOT.freaking.out. 

There is nothing that I can do about it anyway, if the worst is indeed going to happen. 

I also want to be able to look back on this pregnancy, and know that I loved Bug fully while he was here, inside me.  That I made him feel safe and warm and loved - not surrounded by tension and fear.  I do not want to mourn him while he is still here.  I saw him two days ago, after-all, and his little heart beat was so strong.

So I am going to pick myself up, and go about my day.  I will NOT.freak.out.

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Viability Ultrasound

I had my viability ultrasound this morning.

Apparently, I conceived twins, but only one has made it this far.  :(  The other one is still in there, but there is no heartbeat, and the sac is tiny.

There is also a healthy baby in there, with a strong heartbeat (146).  :) He is measuring at 6 weeks 5 days.  I am 7 weeks along according to when I ovulated.  My RE was adamant though that being off by 2 days is completely normal, and does not in any way suggest that there is a problem.

My husband is super-excited about the fact that there is a healthy baby in there. He actually cried when he saw his little heart beating, it was so sweet. :) It was the first time I have ever seen him cry, after more than 9 years. 

I am extremely excited and relieved as well.

I can't help also being sad for the one that I lost though. Does this count as miscarriage number 2? :(

My RE says that what usually happens now is that the lost twin will be re-absorbed into my body, and the remaining healthy pregnancy should be unaffected.  They are having me come in for another ultrasound next week to follow up and see how things are progressing.

As to the cramping and spotting that I have been having, my RE says that it is to be expected.  The spotting was probably caused by either the ultrasound I had right before it started, the progesterone suppositories, or the loss of the other baby.  The cramps are also normal, and are apparently particularly common when a woman's ovaries look like mine - they are absolutely FULL of large cysts.  I over-responded to the gonal-f, and my ovaries therefore look like an IVF patient's normally would.  I am not complaining - at least this provides a possible explanation for the cramping!  The cysts should resolve themselves over the next few months.

So anyway, good news for the most part.  My Bug is still okay.  It is so weird to be so sad, and so happy, all at the same time.
Please keep growing little Bug!